when the time comes… i knew i will be fine

dear everyone,

today i would like to write about something precious in my life… happened to me right before i decide to graduate, be much stronger and independence like what i be right now. i got this idea and finally gain the bravery to write this in my blog because i just woke up from afternoon napping… i dream that a girl experience the same story with me (which i would tell in this post) and she is crying so badly… and i can’t stand it too… then i hug her and i say:

“It’s okay… i understand your feeling”… and for myself (who also crying inside): it’s ok Ellen… when the time comes… i knew i will be fine…

the story begin…

okay.. so it started when i join another selection for this year expedition… the expedition is called viatine laos. biodiesel expedition to singapore, malaysia, thailand, and laos. i have joined last year expedition to Malaysia n Brunei Darussalam (2010). and when the new team recruitment for that expedition is opened… me and my best friend is about to join… since there is no single rule mention: not allowed for students who had joined last year expedition. i have really high motivation especially after reading the announcement like this:

we are seeking for students who has GPA minimum 3.0, could speak good English, good public speaking, willing to work in team and understand about Indonesia culture…*

okay… that’s the rule and based on the rule… i hv the right like other students to join, learn and give my best… i learn about biodiesel, i practice English with some friends to help them, i learn about Indonesia culture, and i have a dream… a dream where for the first time i gonna visit Laos… i also told my mom and dad that i plan to join the selection and i pretty sure to pass (i really remember the qualifications…) then my dad said that he has some Singapore Dollars, Malaysia Ringgit, and Thailand Bath… and he will give it to me… *can you imagine how we really expect for that one day… πŸ™‚


i joined the selection which takes 3 days… the first day is theoretical test… and i learn about biodiesel seriously the night before the test… i could answer all the test question well… i give my best and praying… the second day is interview… the interview adjudicators are my own lecturers who joined last year expedition… but, my turn is not that day.. so tomorrow will be my interview with the adjudicators…

in my interview, i was asked about my Biodiesel understanding, do presentation in English which the slide has been prepared, also some questions about my idea and my personality… (remember… they still didn’t mention about not allowed for students who had joined last year expedition)… i walked out from the interview rooms and praying.. wishing all the best…


the result is announced few weeks after the interview selection… as i remember… 3 days after Chrismast, 28 December 2010. my best friend who also the committee of the selection and expedition told me that i didn’t make it….. *OMG…. crush… crush… crush… crying… i didn’t passed the expedition…Β  but… my thought at that time is: may be i am not the qualified one.. so i must be positive and be strong… then i asked him why.. then, he said that:…………………………………..

they said that you must be regenerated… regenerated with the new member who has not joined the last year expedition…..

please….. don’t tell me… coz this is the worst answer i ever heard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am 100% disappointed…. if i could describe that was the worst moment in my life where a dream, hope, and effort… all blend in and crush,…. into a tiny pieces form and solute in the solution… it dismiss… gone… what is left are disappointment… real deep sadness and some seeds of hatred…

if there is a question how sure I’m that it is regeneration.. the strongest evidence is from my friend who know this directly from the adjudicator, he said that regeneration is implemented… second, from my best friend who is the committee who told me every details, then from the real evidence where in the announcement only listed the name of 8 students that were chosen… they didn’t put the score as the real evidence.,… just the name.. no single score and others supportive and real mark showed that these 8 students are better than the others… the last but not least, is one of my friend with GPA <3.0 could passed the selection… *actually there are so many weird things happened, but whatever it is.. THIS IS SO UNFAIR…. also, do you think the adjudicators evaluate our theoretical test? ………………………. πŸ˜‰

Again: there are no single rule mention not allowed for students who had joined last year expedition…

do you think it is a wise way to tell someone after she built up all dream and hope… and we know finally we would say no to her? don’t you think it will give much pain in the end…??? that was me your students, who you treated like that… i don’t want to hate you although i have so many reason and they are understandable… i will forget you and left you as my past… u r the motivation for me to move forward and be even more independent..

it just ended up with a real disappointment with the committee (the lecturers and my friends)… it is true that ambitious can drive everyone do sth and forget about justice, forget about their friends, and forget about they responsibility as lecturer… i don’t want to blame my best friends, but i also disappointed in him.. because he knew about something wrong… but he did nothing… and he still support that team,… huh.. i know.. i couldn’t blame him… even though i wanna tell him to quit… quit from that team because the team is built in that way… don’t involve… but, i can’t do that… i’m sorry… i just don’t want everyone say that i feel unsatisfied and do things like that… i hope my best friends who join this expedition will understand that if the time is come… we will go somewhere, in good way… not the way like that… i am lucky for not involve anymore…

that girl in my dream experience that same thing with me… i knew how bad it was.. when everyone turn to be so unfair, worship something they get by precising the lecturers, when qualifications is at the last or may be out of the judgment, when the ‘like-dislike’ law is applied, when the adorable lecturers to things like that… πŸ™‚ it’s human being… but i keep telling myself in deep of my heart, i am not gonna be like that… NO WAY… everything thatΒ  i achieve should be because i qualified for, i want to pursue my study to higher level of education, master… but this all achievement and title is so useless once we be unfair and willing to treat other people like that. honestly, my respect to that lecturer which i adore… is gone… missing as all the unthinkable things he could do, but he do it…

it’s okay… πŸ™‚

it has been 3 months ago and i should forget it, although it’s not easy… the hurt feeling which they create wouldn’t be easily heal… i’m sorry, i try to, but it not easy…

there is a good things my friend say:

when u been robbed… be grateful… because IT’S NOT YOU WHO ROB OTHERS….So, i still be grateful that IT IS NOT ME! WHO TREAT OTHERS LIKE THAT!!!!….

the end… πŸ™‚ ***

i was woke up from that nap because my lecturer call me… she said that there is a National seminar and 2 students and 1 lecturer will represent our campus, and i was one of the students. and the other student and lecturer are them… one thing for everyone: never depend yourselves on other people by praising them… if we are indeed a good student with ‘real’ good ability, we will make it with God… we didn’t need to pretend to be someone else and worst, sacrifice our justice and kindness inside ourselves for temporary achievement.

i’m so glad everything.. because ever since, i learn a lot.. my dream is work at Oil Company one day,.. and for my thesis i finally got a chance to go to our National Oil Company again… and + Mud company… thanks God.. Thank you Jesus… my Lord… i just will and forever praise on You… not on human,

bye… cu on the next post


ellen k. (2 March 2011)


About ellenkusnadi

hi... i'm ellen.. i love traveling, adventuring, watching movie, reading, learning English and Espanol,... ^^ i have million of dreams, billions of plans, but i believe in Jesus who will decide the best for me... i always do the best for everything that become my responsibility... with one motto: ANOTHER PLACE IS POSSIBLE^^ when i was a kid, my mom said that i'm a spoiled n superrrr silence girl... tragic! isn't it???? (hehehe^^), but now, i left that all behind, i keep it as my childhood experience. since i grow up, my maturities grows as well, i always try to not depand myself on others, try the best every time n in every things. in this blog i wrote anything that me myself experienced, all the people n event involved help me to understand that i have so much blessed from God which is priceless. thanks God, Thanks Jesus^^ love -Ellen K.-
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